Welcome to Courageous Single Parenting

Dear Delta Airlines

2011-10-31T00:26:00.023-06:00

"Someone told me DELTA stands for ‘Don”t Ever Leave The Airport.’ #utterfarce tweet by Piers Morgan"

Delta Airlines NEVER Responded to Tweets Posted on their 24/7 Delta Assists Twitter Feed to Remedy My Customer Complaint

I twittered several times on the Delta Assists Twitter Feed and included a link to this blog post. I deleted my email and phone number from the original post.

Dear Delta Airlines,

My son was killed in Afghanistan last week on his 14th deployment. The story is all over the Internet. I thought you'd be interested in the "service" I received from Delta Airlines trying to book two bereavement flights for my mom and brother.

Below you will find what I’ve been posting on Facebook. Facebook replies include: “Unbelievable. And so sad. No heart. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this on top of your incredible loss.”

Posted on Facebook, August 28, 3:08 pm regarding booking flight for my brother: Trying to book a bereavement flight with Delta Airlines. Took FIVE calls to book ONE flight. Bereavement fare isn't cheaper than cheaptickets.com. Called their 800-number thinking it would be easier than booking online. NOT!

First call, 1:54 pm: Representative puts me on hold. I’m asked to take survey to rate the representative that I talked to for 20 seconds, then they hang up.

Second call, 2:02 pm: Quotes same fare as the online cheap ticket websites. Representative needs info I don't have.

Third call 2:17 pm: Representative doesn't speak English well enough to understand anything, plus ups the previous quote by $400. Can’t give me the fare the second representative quoted.

Fourth call, 2:30 pm: Wait on hold 5 minutes. Another hang up.

Fifth call, 2:36: Representative needed info I’m not allowed to give out, plus ups fare again, can’t honor the first quote I wrote down, because the price went up.

[I explained that I will not be given the name of the funeral home until I arrive for security reasons, because the Westboro Baptist Church protests at military funerals, And yes my son is on Westboro Baptist Church’s “press release.” Here is a portion of it: "Thank God for 15 more dead troops. We are praying for 15,000 more. We will picket their funerals in their home towns in respectful and lawful proximity thereto. Here is a Roster of the Damned: Sgt. 1 Class Kristoffer B. Domeij. We’ve turned America over to the fags; They’re coming home in body bags."]

Posted on Facebook: August 29, 7:15 pm: The Red Cross told the Army that they bought a ticket for my mother on DELTA AIRLINES, however, we have not received confirmation. Delta Airlines WILL NOT because of "protocol" will divulge what time her flight leaves. Only two flights leave Columbus, MS--one at 6 AM and the other at 11 AM. And yes I talked to the manager and again English was her second language.

The manager that I requested to talk to could not confirm or deny whether a flight had been booked. After all that is Delta Airline “protocol.” She asked several times what airline my mom was traveling on. Repeatedly told her that Delta Airlines is the only airline that flies out of Columbus, MS. Told my distraught 80-plus mother, Nancy H. Springfield, to call Delta. Could find no record of a booking.

Decided to give Delta Airlines another chance on August 30, 10 PM to book a flight on August 31-November 2 for my mother. Before calling I checked out the seating availability.

Posted on Facebook: Tried to negotiate with DELTA AIRLINES to get my mom to my son's funeral on flights with open seats. Manager says sorry can't lower fare. Can only go by what’s online. They'd rather fly planes with empty seats than negotiate the price. Will happily fly with empty seats unless you pay an exorbitant price. Columbus, MS: FLIGHT: 5530: Leaves 11:00: 9 seats left: Atlanta: Flight: 1123: 24 seats left: Salt Lake City: Flight 1957: 74 seats left.

Posted on Facebook, August 30: Today UNITED AIRLINES UPGRADED the Army Sergeant and myself today to FIRST CLASS without asking. The stewardess was beyond kind to me. Couldn't eat much. So she packed me extra snacks to take with me to make sure I ate. Wow! Can't believe the difference between United Airlines and Delta Airlines. When I flew to Dover Air Force Base, UNITED AIRLINES UPGRADED me to first class, without asking.

Unfortunately, Delta Airlines is the only carrier servicing Columbus, MS. From my experience with Delta Airlines this last week, "How can we help" is an absurdly ridiculous question.

Scoti Springfield Domeij

Below is what the news media is saying about my son.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/27/tk_n_1035286.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2053668/Kristoffer-Domeij-killed-Afghanistan-14th-deployment-Elite-Army-Rangers.html

http://www.seattlepi.com/local/komo/article/Hero-s-story-Ft-Lewis-soldier-killed-on-14th-2238938.php

http://www.npr.org/templates/archives/archive.php?thingId=141716857

http://www.foxnews.com/on-air/america-live/index.html#/v/1244314084001/highly-decorated-army-ranger-dies-on-14th-deployment/?playlist_id=87651?test=faces

http://abcnews.go.com/US/army-ranger-helped-rescue-jessica-lynch-dies-14th/story?id=14811227#.TqdGxlzDOVw.twitter

http://gov.ca.gov/news.php?id=17289

A Time to Laugh—Mexican Lion

2009-08-03T23:52:00.005-06:00

"I was not the lion, but it fell to me to give the lion's roar."—Winston Churchill

Mexican Lion

A dear friend calls me a "lioness." I often feel like a powerless mouse, but sometimes single parenting makes me roar. It takes the heart and strength of a lioness to overcome the fears of parenting alone.

One lion-hearted individual tired of people breaking into his shop. So he came up with this intimidating security system.

Overcoming Misery

2009-07-18T23:24:00.001-06:00

"My brethren, do not hold your faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ with an attitude of personal favoritism. For if a man comes into your assembly with a gold ring and dressed in fine clothes, and there also comes in a poor man in dirty clothes, and you pay special attention to the one who is wearing the fine clothes, and say, "You sit here in a good place," and you say to the poor man, "You stand over there, or sit down by my footstool," have you not made distinctions among yourselves, and become judges with evil motives? Listen, my beloved brethren: did not God choose the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love Him?"—James 2:1–5 (NASB)

Overcoming Misery

I'm the most miserable when I think about—

what I don't have
what I can't afford
what others have that I want
what others who don't respect me think about me.

These thoughts range from wanting a husband to wishing for a better paying job to desiring a spacious, beautiful home. Because if I had these things then the disrespecters might treat me as if I have value. I find their negative stereotypes of single-parent families especially irksome.

My anguish serves as a microscope to myself and a telescope to God. When I look close up at myself, I see self doubt. When I search for God, I'm liberated from my attachment to fine things and others' biases. I refocus on putting my ultimate trust in God alone. I prefer to observe myself through God's eyes.

Beloved.

Set free.

Rich in faith.

Heir of his kingdom.

A Time to Laugh: The 84-year-old Bride

2009-07-15T13:04:00.005-06:00

A Time to
Laugh: The 84-year-old Bride

Did you know that laughter relaxes your body, increases your immune system, releases endorphins, and safeguards your sanity. And what single mother doesn't struggle with the insanity of the mother load of responsibilities. So what can we younger gals learn from an 84-four-year-old bride?

There's Always Hope

When a 84-year-old bride married for the fourth time, an interviewer asked her questions about her life, her husbands and their occupations.

She smiled and said, "I married a banker in my 20s, a circus ringmaster in my 40s and a preacher in my 60s.

"What's your current husband's occupation?" The interviewer asked.

"A funeral director."

"Why did you marry men with such diverse occupations?"

"Easy, son. I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Diamonds on My Crabgrass

2009-05-29T13:21:00.017-06:00

"Let your life lightly dance on the edges of time like dew on the tip of a leaf." —Rabindranath Tagore

Diamonds on My Crabgrass

Dreary, overcast clouds greeted me as I stepped outside, further depressing my already gray mood, until…

Water drops dressing my tenacious crab grass sparkled like dewy diamonds, cheering my spirit. Desiring a National Geographic photo, I wanted to get down to crabgrass level.

No time for wet belly photography, Scoti.

Too Much to Do, Too Little Time

My tight schedule only provided a sliver of time to run errands. I jumped in the car, wondering, When a thick layer of clouds blocks the sun's ray, how is it possible for the dewdrops to catch the light and sparkle? Too often the shadowy haze of the never-ending duties of single parenting obscure the smiles of God's beauty surrounding me.

The priceless, watery jewels' glad voices beckoned. My muse insisted, "Grab your camera—now—and capture their ephemeral magnificence."

I'm too busy.

Would I give into the pressing demands robbing me of this moment to lift hardship's black veil, dimming the sunny spots in my soul? My withered heart suffered from emotional drought. It needed watering.

I ran back into the house, grabbed my camera, and began photographing the fair, sparkling beads shining pure under the gloomy sky.

Click by click…

Each captured droplet refilled the dry emotional well of my heart.

Drop by drop.

And my heart danced.

The Dew of Heaven

My Bible provides a shimmery light piercing the darkness of my life's struggles. God's words are as fresh as the morning dew. His warm love dries my teardrops.

In the valleys draped with depression, I draw hope and energy from his promises. Like the fragile dewdrop's journey, my sorrows will last but a day on God's calendar. Tears of mourning precede tomorrow's bright morning.

Just as the cloudy sky failed to hinder the dew's glisten, I ignored the tug of life's mêlée to stop and enjoy a brief moment of God's antidepressant on display.

Pain or Promise: The Price of Children

2009-05-08T22:00:00.010-06:00

"Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children."—Charles R. Swindoll

When my monthly childcare bill and apartment rent surpassed my monthly take-home pay, I lived in panic mode. I worried, How will I provide for my sons? When Kristoffer entered first grade, I couldn't afford school clothes.

God provided.

Laurie, my babysitter and dear friend, gave me the clothes her son, Scott, outgrew. As winter approached, I couldn't afford a winter coat for Kristoffer.

God provided.

Years before, my grandmother bought coat lining and I'd purchased navy blue corduroy on sale. Perfect compliments for Kristoffer's new bomber jacket. I stayed up all night sewing a coat, finishing it at dawn, just in time to drive him to school in his new, warm coat.

I found it very painful to overcome my guilt and expectations that I couldn't give my sons more opportunities and things that only money can buy. I wish I'd spent less time allowing money stresses to drain me emotionally and more time thanking God for his provision. Looking back, we survived, thrived, and clung to God's promises.

Single parents often grieve about what they can't give their children, instead of focusing on what we can provide: a strong work ethic, a 'can-do' attitude, and trust in God's ability to meet our needs.

The Price of Children

Single parents worry about the cost of raising a child. Why? It's expensive to raise a child alone, especially without the benefit of child support. The United States Department of Agriculture released the report "Expenditures on Children by Families, 2007" which estimated expenditures two-parent and single-parent families spent on children from birth through age 17. When you look at the cost for single parents—$140,520—it seems insurmountable. And those six figures don't include a college education.

But what does "the cost of raising a child" look like when divided equally by 18 years?

$7806.66 a year (my yearly childcare costs were more than this figure)
$650.56 a month
$162.64 a week
$21.83 a day
Barely a dollar an hour

The Rewards of Raising Children

And exactly what did I receive for my $140,520 investment?

naming rights: first, middle, and last
glimpses of God every day
lots of kisses, hugs and laughs
more love than my heart ever dreamed it could experience
endless wonder over rocks, bugs, clouds, video games, and Lego® creations
someone to come home to everyday that loved me

For $140,520, I enjoyed childish pleasures. I

climbed trees
finger-painted
carved pumpkins
colored Easter eggs
found escaped snakes lost in my house

I didn't need an excuse to

watch Dumbo at least 122 times
read Green Eggs and Ham more times than I could count
watch Disney movies
wish on stars

I treasure my sons'

school art projects
handmade Christmas decorations
handprints set in plaster
painted handprints on sweat shirt
handmade cards for holidays

I was a hero for

retrieving my sons safely off the roof
taking the training wheels off a bike
removing splinters and bumblebee stingers
buying nails by the pounds to build a tree house
coaching my son's basketball team, even though I didn't understand the rules

For a $21.83 a day, there is no greater bang for the hard-earned, single-parent buck. In the eyes of a child (before puberty), I ranked right up there with God. I

made boo-boos better with kisses and Superman Band-Aids
calmed scary nightmares
soothed broken hearts
policed slumberless parties
grounded my sons for bad choices
loved them unconditionally

I received a front row seat in history to witness

stitches, stitches and more stitches
boys, toys, dogs, and frogs
graduation from preschool
graduation from kindergarten
graduation from middle school
graduation from high school
graduation from basic training
graduation from special forces school
graduation from special forces survival training
my first born's first born

Along the way my sons and I obtained educations in:

life's ups and downs
house remodeling
landscaping
bargaining
car repair
and God's provision

I love my sons with all my heart and passed my values onto them. Now it's their turn to count the cost of loving—sacrificially, unconditionally—no matter what surprises life springs on them.

The Maker’s Mark

2009-04-27T18:39:00.008-06:00

"I collect antiques. Why? Because they're beautiful." —Broderick Crawford

The Maker's Mark

I love my Victorian quadraplate chocolate pot. When the pot maker formed my beloved pot, he stamped his mark on it. The maker's mark determines its worth. Wear, tear, dents, and damage diminish its value to the discriminator's eye.

As a child, antiques and ancient times captivated me. Oak and walnut antique furniture, old china, and depression glass decorated the homes of those I loved most—old people. As my legs swung from their antique dining chairs, they all sang the same vintage chorus, "Jesus loves you. Love Jesus."

The Bible and historical novels prompted my imagination. What would it be like to sashay around a palace in a beautiful dress fashioned from silk that traveled the Silk Road? What if a prince of a godly man courted me, sweeping my heart away along with his profession of forever love?

I wish my pot could share its memories with me. The first time I cleaned my pot, I wondered, Who was your original owner? Did they love you as much as I love you? How did you get that dent on your lid? Who disfigured your patina? Why were you discarded? Did the owner's heirs find you out of fashion?

My pot may have been a wedding gift given to celebrate love. A pewter-colored patina surrounds the once newly monogrammed "B." The worn handle shows that "B" loved it enough to use it often, rubbing the silver plating away. My less-than-gleaming memory maker probably graced "B's" table for many holidays, family celebrations, and special dinners for guests. Now it sits on my antique table. I enjoy filling it with hot water and my favorite tea to serve those who sit around my table making new memories to cherish.

The dents, dings, and worn silver on my antique chocolate pot remind me the inhospitableness of life and the hospitality offered by my Maker.

How to Fix Dents, Dings or Worn Silver

Rough use inflicted by others damages, discourages, and depresses me. Finances, bosses, friends, in-now-out-laws, family, and stressful circumstances dull hope's patina. I look for my Maker's imprint on my heart, searching for his mark that restores my emotions, spirit, and outlook.

Discarded by the baby daddy? For your husband is your Maker, whose name is the LORD of hosts; and your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, who is called the God of all the earth (Isaiah 54:5).

My Makers Mark? God stamped me:

Mine.

Adored.

Rescued.

Overwhelmed by negative thoughts? Because of the multitude of oppressions I cry out for help. God my Maker gives me songs in the night, teaches and makes me wiser. I worship, bow down, and kneel before the LORD my Maker (Job 35:9-11; Psalm 95:6).

My Makers Mark?

Sing.

Rejoice.

Celebrate.

Fearful about your future? May you be blessed of the LORD, Maker of heaven and earth (Psalm 115:15).

My Makers Mark?

Eager.

Hopeful.

Confident.

Feeling shamed by your circumstances? He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God. He who mocks the poor shows contempt for their Maker; whoever gloats over disaster will not go unpunished. My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth (Proverbs 14:31; 17:5:
Psalm 121:2).

My Makers Mark?

Precious.

Protected.

Cherished.

Struggling with abandonment? The Maker of heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them—the LORD, remains faithful forever (Psalm 146:6).

My Maker's Mark?

Safe.

Secure.

Assured.

Making All Things Beautiful in God's Time

The old things I value most are not vintage collectibles stamped with a man-made mark, denoting their worth. My priceless treasures include my family, old friends, well-worn relationships, and long-time companions—God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I no longer value as truth the scratches or dents hard-pressed by men upon my heart. I prefer the restoration stamp of my Maker's mark—beautiful.

I Dreamed a Dream

2009-04-16T00:53:00.028-06:00

"Hope is the word which God has written on the brow of every man."—Victor Hugo

Les Miserables—The Miserable Ones

In grade eight, I inhaled the unabridged version of Victor Hugo's Les Miserables—over 1200 pages. I concealed the thick book under my desk at school and read during class. At night, I hid a light under my bed, so I could continue reading until dawn. It was my first page turner. Scenes, characters and life lessons in that book were forever ingrained into my memory.

When Andrew Lloyd Webber's hit Broadway show, Les Miserables, opened at The Pantages Theatre in LA, nothing could keep me from seeing my favorite book—ever—in musical form by my favorite musical composer. A friend secured the tickets and off I went with as the fifth wheel with two couples. My husband did not accompany me to the theatre, because it was shortly after my fifteenth wedding anniversary, when I discovered letters from my husband's mistress. My husband no longer had any interest in a relationship with me.

As Fantine belted out the heartbreaking ballad about unfulfilled dreams's, the Pantages' incredible sound system made it possible for my heart to feel every word of I Dreamed a Dream.

I sobbed. I related to every word.

Like Fantine, I was left alone, a single mother, unemployed, and feeling emotionally destitute.

The first verse reminded me of a time when my husband was kind and our love exciting. Adultery changed my husband. His words, his actions, and his attitudes towards me? Cruel. Heartless. I Dreamed a Dream represented all the pain I felt, the reconciliation that my heart desired, and the reality of my shame. Fantine's soulful song embodied my dreams.

Broken.

Shattered.

Dead.

I Dreamed a Dream

There was a time when men were kind

When their voices were soft

And their words inviting

There was a time when love was blind

And the world was a song

And the song was exciting

There was a time

Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by

When hope was high

And life worth living

I dreamed that love would never die

I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid

And dreams were made and used and wasted

There was no ransom to be paid

No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night

With their voices soft as thunder

As they tear your hope apart

And they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side

He filled my days with endless wonder

He took my childhood in his stride

But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me

That we will live the years together

But there are dreams that cannot be

And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Hope Is the Word

I felt miserable. I lay my miserables on God's shoulders. Victor Hugo wrote, "A faith is a necessity to a man. Woe to him who believes in nothing." God's Word kept my faith intact. I believed—

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.—Deuteronomy 31:8 (NIV)

'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.' — Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NASB)

So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten.—Joel 2:25 (NKJV)

How Do You Reclaim Your Hope, Your Dreams, Your Life, Yourself?

I've been in search of myself—the young woman, now older, who once entertained hopes, dreams and a calling from God.

The other night a friend and I talked. What happened to our dreams, our callings?

We talked about reclaiming the passion that God put in our hearts.

After our phone conversation concluded, I received an email message entitled "Nothing Is Impossible. Frumpy Lady Wins British Talent Show." I clicked on the link and the story about Susan Boyle who sang I Dreamed a Dream. As Susan sang this song about a single mother, down on her luck, whose years of misfortune stole both her youth and her dreams, she brought the audience to tears and prompted a standing ovation from the audience and my heart.

Tears streamed down my face.

The Song that Once Embodied my Pain, Now Offered Me Encouragement and Hope

And…as I listened, my friend opened an email and clicked on the link.

Yep! God's timing was perfect. The song that once symbolized the death of my marriage, now breathes life and hope into my today, my future, my calling, my dreams.

The vision God placed in my heart long ago refuses to stay dammed by shame. My hopes, dreams, and calling are breaking through the crack in that miserable dam.

I'm in start over mode.

What tattered dreams have you buried under the hurt, hecticness, and hardship of your solo-parent life?

How Is Easter Different? Because He Lives

2009-04-12T15:48:00.005-06:00

"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, all fear is gone. Because I know He holds the future. And life is worth a living, Just because He lives."—Bill Gaither

The Passover and The Four Questions

1. Why is it that in all other years we eat bread and matzah, but this year we eat only matzah? Matzah, 'poor man's bread', symbolizes poverty. Bread fills the belly, not the soul. Spiritually impoverished, man does not live by bread alone. Jesus, the bread and manna of my life, daily nourishes my spirit.

2. Why is it that in all other years we eat all kinds of vegetables, but this year we eat only bitter herbs? I expected my life to be better—not filled with bitter, unexpected downturns. Like bitter-tasting medicine, temporary challenges bettered my faith in Adonai Tsoovah, The Lord My Only Salvation.

3. Why in all other years do we not dip even once, but in this year dip two times? Each dip in my fortune and circumstances reminded me: I'm grateful for Jehovah-Jireh, The Lord My Provider, who is my future and my hope—and the source of life and blessings.

4. Why is it that in all other years we eat either sitting or reclining, but in this year we eat only reclining? The lonely, tear-filled life of solo parenting segregated me, a stranger among my religious and married associates. My exile forced me to lean on Jehovah-Ga-al, The Lord My Redeemer. The same power of God that miraculously raised His Son from death, passed over my heart—the tomb enclosing my buried, shattered dreams. Out of tears and hardship, Jehovah-Rophe, My Healer and Restorer, freed my soul from the curse of the law and the slavery of sin. "As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives," (Job 19:25 NASB).

29 Tips to Overcome Overdrive

2009-04-07T23:40:00.009-06:00

"Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward."—Kurt Vonnegut

29 Tips to Overcome Overdrive

Running on fumes? Out of gas? Stuck on the solo-parent sidetrack? Is "Me time" a distant memory in your rearview mirror as you speed out of control at 150 miles per hour with no brakes?

You're not alone.

With little time to spare in the Solo Parent Motocross, most single mothers push aside their most basic needs—even rest and nourishment.

When the momentum of fear, frustration, exhaustion, and stress wins, Mommy loses. You're tempted to run away or scream, "I want my mommy!" or let the inner mommy beast roar cathartic, but guilt-producing growls.

To survive everyday chaos, find ways to refresh yourself physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Running on empty? Try these self-care pit stops:

Take a shower.
Go potty when the urge hits.
Hide a stash of the postmodern mom's valium—chocolate. Take your daily dose.
Sleep every chance you get.
Take mini breaks throughout the day.
Exercise and eat healthy, nutritious foods and snacks to increase energy.
Avoid dehydration by drinking less caffeine and more water.
Save time by paying bills online, use the Crock-Pot® or TiVo® your favorite shows.
Swing through a drive thru for a favorite mommy treat.
Simplify your schedule and life.
You can't do it all. Go ahead and put off today's 'To-Do's' until tomorrow.
Give children age-appropriate household tasks and responsibilities.
Seek professional help for hormonal havoc, depression, or extreme physical exhaustion.
Say no to toxic friends and substances.
Quit pining for your pre-solo-parent lifestyle.
Gossip and gripe less. Instead, start a gratitude journal.
Shave, pluck, file, brush, polish, and aromatherapy bathe at least once a month.
Save your pennies to splurge on an occasional massage or pedicure.
Keep commitments to outside activities balanced. Volunteer, only if you want to.
Limit technological invasion. Turn off your TV, cell phone, email, and computer.
Stay in touch with your identity, interests, talents, and friends.
Build relationships and join support networks with other solo parents.
Ask for and accept offers of help to babysit your child to ease stress.
Create family traditions and memories.
Take your child to the park, sit on a bench, soak in the sun, and watch him play.
Laugh—long, hard and often.
Snuggle and pray with your children at day's end.
Meditate on an uplifting reading every day. Pray more and celebrate every day as a gift from God.
Let go of guilt and unrealistic expectations about the mom you're 'supposed' to be. There are no perfect Supermoms—just moms supernaturally empowered by Addiyr Jehovah [ad-deer' ye-ho-vaw']—The Mighty Lord, God.

Perspective: If I Only Had More Money…I Could…

2009-03-30T11:21:00.008-06:00

"Many people make the mistake of thinking that all the challenges in their lives would dissipate if they just had enough money. Nothing could be further from the truth. Earning more money, in and of itself, rarely frees people. It's equally ridiculous to tell yourself that greater financial freedom and mastery of your finances would not offer your greater opportunities to expand, share, and create value for yourself and others."—Anthony Robbins

How often have I thought, "If I only had more money I could…?"

Afford tutoring for my children
Pay for music, gymnastic or art lessons
Take my children on a vacation
Purchase a great computer for my sons
Buy school clothes and supplies
Splurge on something I really desire

I tend to think of my lack of money in terms of what money can buy. Too often I focus on what I want, failing to appreciate what I have.

Wonderful sons. Supportive mother. Good health. Great friends. A roof over my head. A car. A job.

It's true that having enough money to pay living expenses relieves stress. It even makes me feel more secure. When you need hope to keep on keepin' on, here's something to keep in your wallet.

A Wish for You…May You Have

Enough happiness to keep you sweet;

Enough trials to keep you strong;

Enough sorrow to keep you human;

Enough hope to keep you happy;

Enough failure to keep you humble;

Enough success to keep you eager;

Enough friends to give you comfort;

Enough wealth to meet your needs;

Enough faith in yourself to inspire you to do your best, and

Enough determination to make each day better than yesterday.

When financial lack gets you down, what blessings can you count?

Where Does Inner Peace Dwell?

2009-03-21T15:06:00.013-06:00

In peace I will both lie down and sleep, For You alone, O LORD, make me to dwell in safety.—Psalm 4:8 NASB

Sometimes all I want is peace—no stress, no overwhelming demands, no fear of tomorrow. Why does serenity seem so illusive for the single parent?

What Are the Symptoms of Inner Peace?

A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experience
An unmistakable ability to enjoy the moment
A loss of interest in judging other people
A loss of interest in judging self
A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others
An inability to worry (this is a very serious symptom!)
Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation
Frequent acts of smiling
An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than to make them happen
An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

Can You…?

Start the day without caffeine?
Get going without pep pills?
Always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains?
Resist complaining and boring people with your troubles?
Eat the same food every day and be grateful for it?
Understand when your loved ones or friends are too busy to give you any time?
Take criticism and blame without resentment?
Resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend?
Can conquer tension without medical help?
Relax without liquor?
Sleep without the aid of drugs?

Then you are probably the family dog!

Thought I was going to get all spiritual, didn't you?

Stained-glass Momma: A Look into the Window of a Mommy Soul

2009-03-17T15:04:00.023-06:00

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." —Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

My sons' preschool years consisted both of bright, blissful days and dark, difficult times. During one challenging time, I enrolled in a stained-glass workshop. After tracing a pattern on colored glass, my wrists rolled outward to snap the scored pieces. Razor-sharp edges sliced my fingers. The glass remained intact, oblivious to the scratch from the sharp, well-oiled cutter.

The broken pieces of my yet-unformed project represented my stained-glass story: the transparency of shattered dreams, the fragility of life, and how would I put together the design of my future amidst disappointment and betrayal?

Against all my hopes and spiritual beliefs, I found myself thrust into the role of solo Mom with a nursing infant and an angry, hurting preschooler. Financially ruined, I felt emotionally bankrupt. I worried, How can Kristoffer and Kyle see the beauty of God's light revealed through me?

This stained-glass momma never wished to be an ordinary piece of clear glass. Only the window of my mommy soul could provide Kristoffer and Kyle a glimpse into my spiritual passion and identity as God's creation. God's truths remained the leading and frame holding together the fragments of my life.

Coloring in God's Design from My Past

Daddy was a pagan. Mother was a regular church-going Methodist. When I was nine months old, my parents attended a Baptist evangelistic service in converted banana warehouse in Mississippi. For the first time they heard: God loves you so much. He sent his son, Jesus, to die for your wrong actions and attitudes. Your sins are forgiven. You can have new life. Trust Jesus. They asked Jesus to forgive them and our family's spiritual heritage changed.

Afterwards, a still small voice whispered to my dad, Tell others about Jesus. He resisted the strong urge to preach. Daddy packed up Mommy and his favorite toddler 'me' and moved us from the land of Dixie to Yankee territory. Daddy was sure God did not live "up north."

He discovered God lived in Indiana too and was still in hot pursuit of his heart. Daddy registered at Fort Wayne Bible College and the bishop appointed him as minister to the Woodburn Methodist Church.

As I wiggled on a church pew, Daddy passionately talked about his Lord. Not all pew sitting was enjoyable. Once Mother pinched my leg as a signal to stay still. I hollered, "Don't spinch me, Mommy!"

During my preschool years, Christ dramatically changed my Mom and Dad. The result? I loved Jesus. Often mom found me standing on a stool in the middle of the kitchen, waving my hands, and preaching.

When I was five years old, I asked my dad to baptize me in the baptistery. He said, "You don't understand what baptism means."

I replied, "Yes, I do. It means I've accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior and I love Jesus!" I did not get to swim in the baptismal tank, which was my strong motivation for baptism. Instead, Daddy dinged me on the head with a red rose dipped in holy water.

Over the years, I observed the hours my parents spent inhaling God's Word. As a teenager, I nicknamed my father "a space cadet for Christ." He was the only man in the neighborhood who mowed the lawn in wing tip shoes, church pants, and a button-down, collared shirt, complete with tie. Daddy held the lawn mower with one hand and waved his other hand as he preached.

Before Kristoffer and Kyle were born, my father died suddenly. My first look at him lying in the casket prompted this thought. That is not my dad. My dad is with Jesus. I felt happy for Dad, then panicked. His brain is gone and so is everything he learned about the Bible! A soft voice whispered to my heart, "That knowledge has not vanished. It's in your Bible and you can know it for yourself."

Revealing True Light in the Present

While married, I joined a Precept Bible study. The inductive study method provided the tools I needed to know how to explore God's Word for myself. Like Daddy, I now found my greatest passion was to search the pages of the Bible discovering exciting spiritual truths.

After each Precept class, I
picked up Kristoffer from the toddler nursery. I enthusiastically said, "Guess what I learned about God today?"

My excitement stirred Kristoffer's curiosity. "What, Mommy? Tell me." He listened intently as I distilled God's truths down to a child's language.

Kristoffer challenged me with theological questions, "Mommy, who is the Holy Spirit? What does the Holy Spirit look like?"

"The Holy Spirit is God's special helper. He's like the wind. Can you see the wind, Kristoffer?

"No. I feel it."

"Like the wind, you can't see the Holy Spirit, but you can feel him. He also talks inside of you. When you choose to play with a "look don't touch," is there something that says 'No'?"

"Yes, Mommy."

"That, Kristoffer, is the Holy Spirit."

To pass on to Kristoffer and Kyle the same legacy my father left me, I read verses from my Bible. Then I asked, "What did God ask Samuel to do?" "What did Samuel do?" "What did God say He would do?" "Did God do what He said He would do?"

It was important for Kristoffer and Kyle to grasp an accurate picture of who God is—a reliable Father. His Word and character are the same yesterday, today, and forever. God is who He says He is and does what He says He will do.

Even so, it seemed as if what I studied in the Bible had little practical application to parenting preschoolers. How did the tabernacle, blood sacrifices, a red heifer, and circumcision relate to the challenges I faced with Kristoffer and Kyle? I prayed, "God, please help me apply what I learn to raising my sons."

After reading about Eli's failure to restrain his unruly sons, I asked God, How do I discipline my sons?

One day Kristoffer came to me with my fake fingernail in his hand, "Here, Mommy, I found your fingernail."

"Thank you, son, for finding Mommy's fingernail. Please put it in my hand."

"I'll put it on the dresser."

Normally, I would have affirmed Kristoffer. "Thank you so much. You are such a wonderful son."

However, a study of Judah's response to God's command in Judges flashed through my mind. God's people asked Him, "Who will lead us in the battle against preschoolers… OOPS! the Canaanites?"

"Judah will go. I've given the land to him."

Judah did not conquer the land.

Why?

Instead of depending upon his alliance with God to defeat the enemy, Judah turned to Simeon and said, "Fight with me."

Partial obedience is disobedience.

I recognized Kristoffer's offer to put the fingernail on the dresser as defiance.

"Kristoffer, please put the fingernail in my hand."

"I'll put it on the chest."

Firmly, I responded, "Kristoffer, put the fingernail in my hand."

He angrily slammed it into my hand, and then stomped out of the room.

Well, God, what can You teach me about attitude adjustment?

Leaving Stained-glass Memories for the Future

As a single parent, I wondered how God would artistically place the discolored pieces of my life—loneliness, stress, frustration, exhaustion—in the design of my new unplanned stained-glass life.

The evening Precept group I planned to attend did not have childcare. Turning disappointment into action, I started a group in my home.

I often got up at 2:00 or 3:00 a.m. to worship, read my Bible, and complete the lesson without distractions. Every time, a sleepy Kristoffer stumbled to my side. As I enjoyed time alone with God, I rubbed his back to put him back to sleep beside me.

During group time, Kristoffer and Kyle were welcome to sit with the women. I instructed them to stay quiet. If they needed anything, I told them to touch my arm, then I would stop and respond. Mostly, they sat on the stairs, laughing and teasing each other. However, their ears and eyes did not miss one word of the Bible study.

Shining the Light on My Life's Designer

One day, four-year-old Kyle declared, "I da boss of myself."

"I'm your boss, Kyle."

"No! I da boss of myself!"

"Kyle. I am your boss."

"Who's your boss?"

"God."

Silence.

Was Kyle thinking about what Lisa of The Simpsons expressed about her view of God? "I'm no theologian. All I know is he's more powerful than Mom and Dad put together."

I tried to communicate my passion to Kristoffer and Kyle that my beliefs about the boss of my life are more than theological or intellectual—they are personal. I hope Kristoffer and Kyle appreciate the artful restoration of the discolored, broken pieces of my mommy soul by the Master Stained-glass Designer.

Cruciformity—Why the Cross?

2009-03-02T17:00:00.013-07:00

"God always does his best work right after a crucifixion." —Rick Scarborough

At the time I discovered my husband's adultery, I hung out with the quilting grannies at church. I loved their wisdom and how frank they were with each other. They just stated it like it was.

One woman, widowed during the depression with seven kids, told me, "Honey, we all have our cross to bear. If we all threw our crosses into a pile, we'd look at each cross others bear and say, "I can't bear that cross. Ohhh…that cross is too hard. Nope, don't want that one either. Then we'd pick up our own cross."

No One Escapes This Life Without Pain

Being crucified by life experiences is how my spiritual story propelled me towards awe-filled, dynamic relationship with God. My shame and pain constantly intersects with the divine story of the cross.

Like Jesus' crucifixion, the pain of someone else's sin—the man I loved—pierced my heart. That betrayal and abandonment inflicted intense pain—suffering that seemingly destroyed my hopes, dreams and family—yet, ultimately infused life into the passion God placed into my heart. I will never understand how someone can betray his or her spouse.

When my husband failed to meet my needs, opportunities to be unfaithful presented themselves. However, temptation did not entice me to abandon my covenant before God to God and to my husband. The shocking, devastating discovery of my husband's choices revealed God's character, providing the example of how he desires for me to live life—marked by faith, love, power, and hope.

Life's Cross Walk

These simple cartoons reveal a profound truth.

Cruciformity—Reality Unblurred

I've done my share of complaining about the cross I bear. Looking back, I see how God prepared me for the crevices in my life that He could see and I couldn't. Every one fights some kind of battle. My prayer is that the trials, disappointments and hurts I've overcome with God's help will offer comfort and hope to others. With God, all things are possible.

Whatever your cross or pain, sunshine follows the rain.

If you've stumbled or fallen, God will answer your call for help.

God knows every person's heartache, sees every tear. His words calm our fears and heal our souls.

My Savior and God give me grace to bear lingering sorrows.

March Ahead—Planning Summer Childcare

2009-02-26T20:07:00.002-07:00

Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.—Russel Baker

On the last day of school, I want my first thoughts to be, This will be a great summer.

As cold March winds blast my home, I know that peak recruitment for summer childcare takes place. To assess my feelings about the out-of-school-months—I took a 'summer stress test.' The result?

Sister, You Need Help!

Summertime—the living is easy. Right?

Wrong! Work, chores, daycare, and finances never take a vacation.

Summer knocks routine outta whack. It's hard enough maintaining the school-year rat race. The who, what, when, where, how, and cost of securing reliable alternative childcare rocks my pocketbook and nerves. When ice covers my driveway, I'm worrying about surviving summer meltdowns.

It's never too early to make summer plans. The National Camp Association reports that camp registrations start filling up January through March. Don't get stuck on a waiting list holding your breath for cancellations.

Review opportunities. Consider trading the routine of costly daycare for adventurous or in-home settings. Evaluate available, affordable options: nanny, babysitting co-op, structured educational or recreational programs offered by community centers, day or resident summer camps, scouting clubs, religious or private organizations, and schools. Make sure they are experienced in gearing programs for your child's age.
I prefer an environment that covers my daycare needs, provides an academic break and develops my sons' spectrum of life skills. I also want one that reinforces my values of relating, caring and teamwork. I ask, "Does this program impart principled decision-making, heart skills and social competence?"
Seek recommendations. Who endorses this organization? Do you respect this group? What is the adult-to-child ratio? Ask other parents to verify the quality of instruction and the value for the money spent. If you don't know anyone, ask the director for references. Be sure they conduct criminal and sexual offender background checks on anyone caring for your children.
Find a good fit. Does your youngster love music, computers, art, or sports? Solo parents always look for positive role models. Find a program that's led by a person of integrity that you would like your child to emulate.
Request financial aid. One solo mother saved money by sending her daughter to different programs throughout the summer utilizing scholarships. If grants aren't listed in the brochure, ask, "Is assistance available?"
Ask for your children's feedback. Do not assume your kids will enjoy the choices available to them. If options are limited, acknowledge your children's feelings to help process difficult decisions.
Consider enrichment opportunities. Three-hour specialty camps or classes or Vacation Bible School offer a welcome break from childcare.
Discuss summer plans. Because your children are in the care of strangers, review "bad touch" and how they are to report it to you. Send positive messages to prime their anticipations. Talk up funny summer memories.
Crunch the numbers. Will your budget survive? If the other parent changes plans, what is the provider's refund policy? If claiming tax credit for work-related childcare expenses, request the provider's taxpayer identification number or organization's employer identification number (EIN), plus legal name and address. Overnight camps aren't considered a work-related expense, but a specialized day camp qualifies. Questions? Log on to http://www.irs.gov.
Take a break from chaos. If your child is old enough to attend a one or two-week residential camp, mosey on over to The Lodge at Elk Valley, a retreat center for single-parent families. For details, contact: Single Parent Family Ministry, Gary Sprague, phone: 719.687.0515, email: gary@spfm.org.

Draw Out Your Child’s Qualities

2009-02-18T23:16:00.002-07:00

Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.—Proverbs 22:6 NASB

All the 8-1/2" by 11" construction paper works of art bordering the wall were the same—except for one.

Before I asked—I knew.

"Which one is Kyle's?"

"That one," the teacher said, pointing to the solitary design that failed her robotically-created-on-a-Chinese-assembly-line inspection. "Kyle didn't follow my directions." Her tone expressed displeasure with my little Picasso's masterpiece.

"I love it. It's so-o-o creative." I felt satisfaction: Kyle has far too much inner silly putty to allow someone to squish his creative voice.

I felt irritated with the teacher. Art is not about gluing cookie-cutter shapes in a predetermined arrangement. Creativity is about artistic vision.

Out of Tune or Perfect Pitch?

Dancing to the tune of a different drummer is not easy. I know. What message did others communicate regarding my inner rhythm and melody?

Something is wrong with me.

The great painter and sculptor Michelangelo offers a parenting song I enjoy singing: "In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it."

Chisel Out the Best

My sons are more than pliable clay or plaster to cast in a rigid mold: They are exquisite pieces of uncut marble. Like the wandering veins of marble, their interests, personalities and inherent strengths and weaknesses meander in unexpected directions.

I respect what they think and feel. To bring my sons' God-given essences to the surface, I look for their inner motivations, offer encouragement and then provide the tools and opportunities I can afford.

I love Kristoffer and Kyle unconditionally. It's my responsibility to encourage their inner sacred realm. I want them to know, "I'm on God's side. I want you to be all He created you to be."

Kyle, my sensitive dreamer, takes after my imaginative traits. Kristoffer, my little Army man, picked up my down-to-earth, let's-get-real qualities. Only camouflage face paint sticks purchased at the Army Surplus Store spark his artistic interest.

Releasing my sons' imaginations takes the painstaking patience of a sculptor. Yep! Sometimes I hammer a bit too hard, chip away in wrong areas or chisel deep, unnecessary scrapes.

I ask, "Will you forgive me?" and then verbalize my admiration of their giftings. "Kyle, I love the colors you chose. Your design is striking."

"Kristoffer, you did a great job painting camouflage on your face. I could hardly find you. I cannot believe how high you climbed the tree. You are so courageous. I'm glad God made you so strong."

I admire my sons' incredible, wonderful one-of-a-kind uniqueness. In my loudest Mom-cheerleader's voice, I shout, "You go, guys! I'm proud of you."

Leadership in Your Home

2009-02-16T14:02:00.012-07:00

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other.—Abraham Lincoln

"I da boss of myself," my four-year-old son declared.

"I'm your boss, Kyle."

"Who is your boss?"

"God."

End of conversation.

Was Kyle thinking what Lisa Simpson said, "I'm no theologian. All I know is he's [God's] more powerful than Mom and Dad put together."?

Sometimes my sons think I'm a candidate for President of our home. They'd prefer that I say, "What do you want? Okay, I can do that."

Other times, they challenge whether I'm tough enough to be the Commander in chief.

I am the President of our home and I have to make wise decisions that are unpopular with my constituents and political rivals—my sons.

Leadership Qualities of a Commander in Chief

Historian and author of Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln, Doris Kearns Goodwin outlines the powerful personal qualities that solo parents need to govern our homes successfully.

Withstand Adversity: Solo parents are survivors, which inspires a quiet, tough self-confidence. Handling setbacks and tragedies—not success—reveals our character.

Diverse Perspectives: I went from living in a beautiful middle-class neighborhood and running with wealthy and middle-class friends to living side-by-side with individuals familiar with poverty. Divorce instantly down-classed our social status, but upped our ability to comfort others. If we truly believe that everyone is valuable to God, then we welcome individuals who are different into our hearts and lives.

I shared my values with my children, but I did not want to raise "yes" men. I exposed them to different views to encourage them to think. It's important to teach the ability to respect and listen to others, even if they disagree with our family's values.

Loyalty: One of my bosses enjoyed taking public credit for our team's successes. Over time, his ability to inspire loyalty dissipated. When faced with the challenges of solo parenting, it's important create a sense of shared purpose and acknowledge our children's successes—no matter how small.

Admit Mistakes: Aristotle said, "To err is human; to not learn from one's mistakes is stupidity." Each time I hurt my sons' feelings or yelled at them because I was stressed, I asked, "I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"

Manage Emotions: All solo parents experience feelings of anger or sadness. I hoped my sons would see that I was changing for the better and releasing grudges.

Define Goals: My sons were not allowed to get away with saying these words, "I can't." and "I don't know." I set forth a vision for my children that would be realized when they became adults. I led our family by reinforcing our family motto: I'll try.

Relax: For years, I felt burned out. Finding humor in the ridiculousness of my situation released stress. Often I escaped to the bathroom. While the boys fought like dogs, I relaxed in the bath with hot tea, chocolate and reading materials. My twenty-something, able-to-live-well-within-his-budget boss reviewed my budget and then reprimanded me for my one luxury—one magazine subscription. Money-wise I couldn't justify it. He failed to understand it was a mental health issue. That magazine re-filled my depleted emotional well.

Remember, you are not a candidate; be the leader of your home. I run my leadership campaign on a high level. I live the life that I want my children to model as adults.

Solo parents have the most powerful job on the planet—to influence our children.

Parental War Story—Tiny Terrors Unleashed

2009-02-15T12:17:00.012-07:00

Why torture yourself, when you're kids will do it for you?

My sons are experts in the art of enhanced interrogation, better known as "torture." Kristoffer and Kyle reserve intensified interrogation techniques for their most challenging captive—me. Their methods are not new: feigning suffocation, stress positions, exhaustion exercising, light and noise bombardment, and sleep deprivation.

I refused to buy Kristoffer an expensive remote control car that he saw advertised every two seconds on TV. His last ditch persuasion technique was an attempt to break the breath-holding world record. His feigned suffocation turned him blue. I panicked. Fortunately, the body overrides stubbornness to resume breathing on its own.

Both of my sons managed to find their way onto my two-story rooftop. Kristoffer was four; Kyle was three. Finagling preschoolers off the roof without sustaining life-threatening injuries is an exercise in an emotionally and physically exhausting 'stress position.'

Kristoffer and Kyle instinctively play warring factions against each other. When the boys lose the war game of pitting Mom versus Dad, they ratchet up hardcore torture-that-isn't-somehow-torture. I allege their tactics are harsh. They deem their methods valid and necessary. The only marks my enhanced interrogators leave are on my heart.

As a battle-weary solo parent, I long for a peaceful night's sleep rather than bedtime skirmishes. Their nocturnal light and noise bombardment diversions wear me down until I cave into their demands. "You can have what you want! Just let me sleep!" The CIA makes a good point: Enhanced interrogation forces the interrogated to give in.

When the CIA forced detainees to listen to rap artist Eminem's Slim Shady album, they became frantic. Hello! Is this not an everyday parental reaction to the music choices of American teens?

Prisoner of War—A Mom's Perspective

My mothering instincts kicked into full gear when U.S. tanks rolled into Baghdad and the looting began. I thought: Where are their mothers? It is time for the moms of America to take charge!

I have a few legal suggestions to drag secrets from the enemy—unleash the special forces of preschoolers, or better yet, teenagers. Let them intimidate the terrorists.

Pipe incessant whining, complaining and nonstop "Why?" questions into their cells.
Guard terrorists on multiple shopping trips as they accompany teeny enemy combatants suffering from a severe case of the "gimmes."
Put prisoners in charge of laundry duty. Their assignment? To wrench Superman pajamas off wiry, defiant bodies, then distract angry naked Superboy while jammies wash and dry.
Let detainees attempt to de-escalate major temper tantrums in the library thrown by children who are selectively deaf to the word "No!"
Set up primal screaming rooms within ear-splitting distance of the terrorists' cells. Sequester tantrum-throwing toddlers and defiant teens that scream, rant, rave, cuss, slam doors, and kick everything in sight.
Sleep deprive detainees by compelling them to care for colicky, projectile-vomiting babies and feverish, whimpering toddlers with blowout diarrhea.
Assign prisoners the white-knuckle task of teaching advanced driving skills to rookie teen drivers with lead feet. When an inebriated, fast-driving teen sneaks off with their suicide-bomber car, let them figure out how to retrieve it in one piece.
Terrorize terrorists by making them care for overactive toddlers and teens 24/7—without help or reprieve.

One escapee from an Afghani CIA prison reported through a translator, "They would not let you rest, day or night. Stand up, sit down, stand up, sit down. Don't sleep. Don't lie on the floor."

Whiner! Welcome to my life.

Obviously, this prisoner was not a solo parent. Luckily, he escaped.

Happy Singles Awareness Day

2009-02-14T13:18:00.012-07:00

"Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers."—Veronica A. Shoffstall

The V-Day curse conjures up a variety of emotions—anxiety, dread, sadness, disappointment, embarrassment, shame. The surge of lovey-dovey couples, red roses, expensive chocolates, and Valentine hearts serve as reminders that you are not on your "marry" way.

It's one of those days that the Romance Envy Ogre raises its ugly head. You want to flaunt flowers and chocolate in the faces of all your co-workers, friends, family, and shout, "See! Someone loves me."

This over commercialized holiday brings out other types of gremlins.

Grinch: Anti-V-Dayers who could care less. Valentines? Bleah!

Lovebird: Pro-V-Day lovers who love it. Chocolate? Check. Wine? Check. Roses? Check. Chick flick? Check. Dinner reservations? Let's go.

Love Forlorn: Those who say they don't care, but do. Prozac? Check. Check. Häagen-Dazs® chocolate chocolate chip ice cream, Bridget Jones's Diary, TV dinner, and pjs? Ready for another lonely "Let's Torture Singles Day."

Grouch: Others say they care, but don't. They endure the "I-love-you-isn't-cheap" price tag. Chocolate, roses, wine, and romantic dinner? Waiter, check, please. Ugh!

Make It Your Day of Smiles, Not Trials

Feelings of worthlessness, rejection, unimportance, or being overlooked emerge on Valentine's Day. From Hollywood to Hallmark, too many people promote unrealistic expectations regarding romance. Being special to someone doesn't define who you are or your value. Sure, spending time with a special person would be great. But can you enjoy spending it with people close to you?

Love yourself. Do you enjoy living life without an intimate partner? Rather than hyper focusing on finding a date or a mate, are you happy with yourself—and by yourself? Are you involved in a club, charity, hobby, or activities that you enjoy, just for you? Do you surround yourself with people who have your back? If so, you're less likely to be lonely, even if you're not in a relationship.

Make the Day Special for Your Children. Remember to make your children feel special and loved on Valentine's Day. Drop a trail of candy hearts from their beds to the breakfast table. Put together a Valentine's breakfast basket with a card and muffins. Include an "I love you" note in their backpack. Plan a treasure hunt. Leave notes with clues to find treats. Play games and watch a funny movie together. Shower them with hugs and kisses.

Try Shopping Therapy. Head to the grocery store on Valentine's Eve. Watch all the anxiety-stricken men running around fulfilling their romantic obligations, frantically buying last minute flowers and cards. That helps get over the "everyone else—but me—has somebody to love them" pity fest. While you're out, buy something to perk you up.

Rent Bad-breakup Movies. Laugh at the mayhem of The War of the Roses and The First Wives Club. If you experienced a bad breakup, laugh—lots—it's healing. Give thanks for this time in your life to restore your heart. Celebrate how far you've come.

Throw a Singles Appreciation Party. Cupid isn't invited, but your friends are. Organize a potluck. The only kisses welcome are Hershey's kisses. Devour all the better-than-sex-chocolate you can find.

Replace Your Chocolate Stash. The most redeeming quality of Valentine's Day is fifty percent off Dove's® silky smooth dark chocolates come February 15. Stock up. Cadbury's cream-filled Easter eggs are just around the corner.

Embrace Your Singleness. The Census Bureau confirms that unmarried households in the United States are the new majority. If you live past the age of 70, the average American will spend more years unmarried than married. It's okay to be single. February 14^th provides the perfect excuse to plan an out of the ordinary celebration.

Don't feel like celebrating? Still feeling too hurt or rejected? Then don't. However, give yourself a special Valentine gift—love yourself and embrace how truly remarkable you are.

Sailing Away to a Good Night’s Sleep

2009-01-26T17:28:00.019-07:00

"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one."—Leo J. Burke

Most single parents live sleep deprived. The only sleep I got in fourteen years occurred when my sons visited their father. A concerned friend took the liberty to put my name into a drawing for a 7 day/6 night cruise on the fabulous new Gypsy Queen Cruise Line on the flagship Neches Belle. It departs from downtown Beaumont, TX. All airfares, transfers, food, and drinks are included with dinner at the captain's table as his personal guest. The first night's haute cuisine promises a scrumptious menu featuring fillet of catfish, hush puppies, collard greens, and all-you-can-eat boiled Louisiana rusty crawfish! Yum!

Love the Cup Holder

This cruise also includes the famous, 'Ole' Muddy Midnight Skinny Dip, with cruise hosts Eulla Bell and Krissie Joe.

If I win this much needed cruise, I plan to sleep like a baby.

Validation

2009-01-25T00:56:00.008-07:00

"How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand."—Psalm 139:17-18 (NASB)

The lack of validation is another difficult aspect of solo parenting. Religionists accuse us of failure, causing the downfall of society. The school only calls—to complain. I long to hear a teacher say, "Your child is awesome!" The procrastinator boss calls—to shorten the already-too-short deadline. No "thank you's," just more stress. The kids call out in the night—they're scared or missing their dad. Their dad calls—to complain about their behavior, which is all my fault—not related the consequences of his life choices.

Disheartened, sometimes I feel trapped by invalidation, which makes me question, Why do my sacrifices go unappreciated? My commitment to my family? My hard work? Why so little encouragement? I'm sleep deprived, overworked, underappreciated, and long to hear someone say something—anything—life giving.

Too many times, I've given and given only to receive in return the painful snakebite of betrayal. Yet, how often do I look at someone and think, "Wow, you're beautiful." "You did an awesome job." One day I decided to give what too often I long to receive. If I think, "Your eyes are stunning," I say it to friends or strangers. Why just keep it to myself? One woman's cheerful attitude at the Wendy's drive thru never fails to lift my spirits. So I told her, "Thank you, I love coming through this drive-thru because you are so friendly." She beamed.

When others overlook you, God loves and appreciates you, because he made you. You are the Creator's creative creation. Unique. Special. Loved. Some hypothesize that there are 7,500,000,000,000,000,000, or seven quintillion five quadrillion grains of sand in the world. And God's precious thoughts about you outnumber every grain.

If you're struggling with feeling disqualified, invisible, misunderstood, or unappreciated, click here to see a video that I hope will encourage and remind you that God wants to fill the deep dry well of longing for validation.

In His Time

2009-01-15T17:42:00.001-07:00

'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 'Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.'— Jeremiah 29:11-12 (NASB)

Where are you today? What is your heart feeling?

Are your circumstances and future a mystery? When I was at my lowest and felt absolutely hopeless, the words to these songs—He Who Began a Good Work and In His Time— breathed life into my shattered dreams.

He who began a good work in you

Will be faithful to complete it

He'll be faithful to complete it

He who started the work

Will be faithful to complete it in you

When marital abandonment threw me into deep despair, I used to sob as I sang this verse. It captured how I felt and what I desired—to be safe, secure, loved, and cherished.
If the struggle you're facing

Is slowly replacing

Your hope with despair

Or the process is long

And you're losing your song

In the night you can be sure

That the Lord has His hand on you

Safe and secure

He will never abandon you

You are His treasure

And He finds His pleasure in you

When my circumstances were at their ugliest, in the midst of pain, I needed hope that I could enjoy life again. I clung to the words of the song "In His Time."

In His time, in His time,

He makes all things beautiful in His time.

Lord, my life to You I bring,

May each song I have to sing,

Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.

In Your time, in Your time,

You make all things beautiful in Your time.

Lord, my life to You I bring,

May each song I have to sing,

Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.

"He makes every thing beautiful in his time."— Ecclesiastes 3:11

Call on God today. El Roi, the God who sees, knows where you are today. He longs to hear your voice. He's waiting.

Click here and savor the visuals and inspiring words of "The Interview with God."

Ahhh…a New Year

2009-01-05T14:04:00.001-07:00

"Sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God."—Colossians 3:16b, NIV.

I no longer make New Year's Resolutions. Why? For too many years, I resolved, "I will diet"—and other than a few lost pounds—I've never accomplished my weight loss goals.

My resolution for 2009? No more resolutions.

Instead, I've adopted one word—gratitude. Every day this year, I want be aware of and tell God, "I'm grateful for…" I suspect my hopeful look towards the future without regard to prickly circumstances might end up being harder than making a few unkept resolutions. I want to intentionally guide my feelings, thoughts, opinions, words, and ways to sing a new praise song to God every day. As I express my thankfulness, I want to remember that gratitude is more than uttering words, my ethics live them.

These encouraging words by author Melodie Beattie speak biblical truth regarding many struggles solo parents face, "Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."

I Want 2009 To Be…

"Another year to live!

To banish worry, doubt, and fear,

To love and laugh and give!

This bright new year is given me

To live each day with zest . . .

To daily grow and try to be

My highest and my best!

I have the opportunity

Once more to right some wrongs,

To pray for peace, to plant a tree,

And sing more joyful songs!"—William Arthur Ward

My Christmas Angel

2008-12-25T09:31:00.001-07:00

"The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him, And rescues them." Psalm 34:6-8 (NASB)

On December 22, I found myself—broke, alone and stranded over 8000 miles from home.

After four, fabulous once-in-a-lifetime weeks in Thailand, I was grounded in the Bangkok International Airport (BKK). My plane scheduled to take off in two hours and I lacked 500 Baht ($15) to clear immigration to board the aircraft.

Helpless as a beggar, I worried.

How will I get home?

Thailand is a land of beauty—and beggars. These vulnerable individuals disappear into the urban landscape—as if invisible.

Every day I passed one beggar who perched in his battered wheelchair, resembling a stone Buddha. His eyes locked straight ahead. His lips cemented into a stern line. Two stumps stuck out a few inches past the wheelchair's seat. Where knees once were, healed balls of skin capped his amputated stubs like bubbles on the end of twisted balloons.

On my last day in Bangkok, all the coins I saved for him plinked in his metal cup. That's probably more money than he receives in a month.

Not one muscle on his stony countenance budged.

After spontaneous purchases, I received more change. A paraplegic man teetered on the filthy curb's edge between the busy street and crowded sidewalk. Seeming to be alive only from the waist up, his shriveled, lifeless legs appeared as wooden as his worn crutches. I dropped coins into his cup, and then remembered: I have more. My fingers burrowed into my purse, scraping together additional change.

Then, a small miracle occurred.

Our eyes locked—two people from different worlds.

His radiant smile and joyful eyes conveyed—thanks.

I returned to the hotel and bargained hard with the taxi driver to avoid being overcharged for the ride to BKK. As we sped along the freeway, he said, "I miss my daughter. She live five hours away. To make money, I buy taxi and work in Bangkok. The cost of gas hurt my business." I understood his pain—insufficient finances or time with your children. Too often, I worried: Will I have money to fill my car with gas to drive to work?

After reciting my entire Thai vocabulary, he said, "You speak Thai good. How much you pay?"

"Three hundred Baht, like we agreed."

His eyes registered disappointment. Thais act polite to a fault. "Saving face" is paramount. He blinked, regaining his upbeat composure.

"You single woman. I take good care of you."

At BKK, his slight frame unloaded and stacked my slippery plastic suitcases onto a baggage cart. I pressed all my currency into his hand—500 Baht, plus eight American dollars.

I was broke.

After passing through security, I checked into China Airlines, receiving my boarding pass. At the exit immigration window, I explained, "I need my 1400 Baht VAT (tourist value-added tax) refund to pay the 500 Baht exit tax."

"The VAT Refund Office is in the departure lounge, "she replied, "You cannot pass through immigration without paying."

Tension stressed my brain like an overstretched rubber band threatening to snap.

God, please don't let me miss my plane. It's Christmas. I just want to get home to my sons.

Tears ran down my face. I returned to China Airlines and asked for help. The airline employee, who took my ticket, was checking in a passenger with distinct Thai features—large round eyes, rounded nose, full lips, and sculpted cheekbones. Most Thais stand five foot four. She was six feet, maybe taller.

"Traveling is stressful. Here…take this," the Thai traveler said, thrusting 1000 Baht into my hand.

"Thank you. I'll pay you back on the other side of immigration."

"Don't worry about it."

"What's your name?"

"Angela."

As I slid 500 Baht under the immigration window, waves of joy washed over my body. Thank you, God.I'm headed home to celebrate your son's birth with my boys! The immigration officer inspected my passport. "You overstayed your visa. That'll cost an extra 200 Baht per day." She allowed me to collect my refund from the VAT Refund Office, which paid the remaining overstay fees.

As I entered the departure area, stress drained away leaving behind hunger pangs. My remaining Thai coins purchased a sandwich, chips and an icy watermelon drink. As I ate, I looked for Angela.

I searched each departure-waiting lounge.

No Angela.

Thinking, She's on my plane, I headed to my departure gate. After liftoff, I walked each aisle, scanning every seat.

No Angela.

Was she an angel?

I didn't foresee the consequences of sharing more than I could spare with three precious individuals. I winged my way home by way of prayer and heavenly intervention—accompanied by the Most High over all the earth.

55 Ways to Save Money Buying Christmas, Hanukkah or Holiday Gifts

2008-12-21T16:54:00.001-07:00

"A hug is the perfect gift; one size fits all, and nobody minds if you exchange it."

I've always enjoyed giving gifts, but have never had extra in the budget to spread as much good cheer as I would like. After hanging out at my place of worship with the quilting grannies, who survived the depression, I learned, "Think depression. Recycle. Make do with what you've got. Thank God."

When I was propelled into solo parenting, I couldn't afford 'needs', like electricity. Car insurance was a luxury. The monthly budget that I barely paid every month and a half did not include 'wants.' I fell back on my creativity. Here are fifty-four money saving Christmas tips I've learned through the years.

Use your interests or talents. I oil painted 100's of Christmas ornaments for friends, family and business associates. Materials: Curtain ring, round piece of canvas, Elmer's glue, and oil paints. I also painted 5x7-inch paintings of a personalized mailbox and larger pictures for close family members. Do you cook, scrapbook, knit, crochet, paint, sew, or make soap or jewelry? Use your unique talents or learn how to create gifts for family and friends.
Make Christmas ornaments. I used to give mysons two Christmas ornaments each year. One ornament was purchased the year before during after Christmas sales, and the other one I made. Google "Make Christmas ornaments" to find ornaments you'd enjoy making. Some years I attended a Christmas ornament exchange party. Invite 21 people. Each person makes 21 ornaments. You go home with 20 new homemade ornaments.
Shop the Christmas sales. After Christmas, I wait until at least 75% off to start buying next year's birthday, wedding, baby shower, and Christmas gifts. I also buy wrapping paper, plates, napkins, cards, and holiday decorations. What newlywed do you know that has Christmas ornaments? Holiday decorations make great wedding gifts. Every season, Hobby Lobby sells candles, dishes and other decorative items starting at 50% then down to 90%. When the sale hits 90%, I check it out. One year, I bought Easter bunnies that were perfect gifts for young children and babies and craft supplies that were great for older children. I buy gift and spa baskets when they hit 75-90% off.
Shop thrift and consignment shops. I shop year round at Goodwill, Salvation Army, The Arc, and Disabled Veterans. I find many new items still in their shrink-wrapped packages. Stores donate unsold sale items to thrift stores. For pennies on the dollar, I've purchased sterling silver, silver plate, new shoes, clothes, and unopened gifts. I only buy when the thrift store marks them down 30% if I really love it, but preferably 50% or 75% off. Purchase cookie jars, canisters, gift tins, platters, or plates. Bake cookies or brownies or candied nuts. Load plates with goodies, then wrap in plastic and add a bow and a recipe card. I also watch for porcelain dolls throughout the year to buy for my granddaughter.
Host a cookie gift swap. Bake 12 dozen cookies. Invite friends to bring theirs. Swap. Then plop them on a plate or in a tin and give them away as gifts.
Shop holiday sales year round. Hobby Lobby sells theme-oriented gifts for every holiday. And there's some kind of holiday or two every month. I shop their holiday sales when they hit 75–90% off. You can sign-up on line for their email alert.
Check clearance racks all year long. The first place I head in a real store is the clearance rack. However, after buying clothes for $2-3, a skirt on sale for $20 doesn't seem like that much of a geat bargain.
Sell goodies on EBay. Clean out closets and drawers. Sell it on EBay to earn money for the Christmas piggy.
Bid on EBay.com and shopgoodwill.com.
I've found great stuff on these sites. However, after realizing how addicting online auctions can be, I wouldn't let myself buy anything until the credit card was paid off. I'm still grieving over that old timey asparagus server that I refused to fight for! Now I set a limit and don't go over it.
Try Craigslist. Craigslist is a noncommercial, service-oriented, non-corporate online garage sale where you can buy and sell your used goods.I bought a name brand $500 dishwasher for $75. Iwas thrilled.
Check Free Cycle.The Freecycle Network™ is a grassroots, nonprofit movement of people who give and receive free in their own towns. Membership is free.
Make gift baskets. One year, I could not compete with the gifts that my co-workers planned to give everyone in our division at our company party. I had gone overboard at one Hobby Lobby sale and purchased too many expensive baskets for dirt cheap. I loaded them with items from other sales, thrift stores and dollar stores. Everyone thought I spent more than I did.
Create food gifts. From flavored oils to cookies to brownie mixes to soup mixes to creating gourmet candied nuts, teas or coffees, everyone loves to eat and drink. Make muffin, brownie, cookie, cake, tea, coffee or chocolate drink mixes. Mix together dry ingredients and place in a plastic baggie, press and seal bag, a hand-sewn or embroidered bag, or a canning or decorative jar. Great for co-workers or associates. Ships well and arrives in perfect condition, even if the truck drives through freezing weather. Bake mini-loafs. Bake your favorite fruit bread. Wrap in foil. Include recipe as the gift tag. Place in a brown paper bag, fold down and punch two holes in bag. Pull ribbon through holes and tie into a bow.
Use your computer and printer. Design or print out templates for every member of your family. The Microsoft web site provides templates that include business cards, recipes cards, place cards, luggage tags, calendars, wedding planners, CD/DVD labels, return address labels, stationary, gift certificate coupons, budget planners, party planners, bookmarks, alphabet flash cards. Download free clip art from Microsoft.
Shop outlet sales. I've lived near a Libby glass factory, a card and gift factory and other outlets. I shop their sales racks, which are even cheaper than their seconds are. Some outlets sell seconds, last year's products, overstocks, or undamaged items. Inspect slightly less than perfect items to make sure you can easily repair obvious damage.
Give grocery gift cards. Single parents, the elderly and others on tight budgets appreciate grocery store gift cards. Then they can choose the foods they love, instead of receiving someone's discarded, off-brand, outdated canned sardines. Yes, Charley, I received sardines one year in a well-meaning Christmas "food" basket.
Buy already-viewed DVDs/movies or used video games. I buy already viewed movies at Blockbuster and pawnshops. Video game shops sell already used games.
Give to those less fortunate than yourself. As a single parent, most Christmas's I grieved because I could not buy my sons what they wanted. One year, I told the boys that our Christmas presents were buying presents for another family that had nothing. We got their wish list. I took the boys to the store. They picked out all the clothes and toys themselves, and then wrapped them. When we took them to the home, the tree was bare, as was the floor underneath the tree. I placed the turkey and all the trimmings on the bare table in a bare kitchen. Kyle jumped up and down so excited. He wanted them to open their presents, "Right now!" But I explained, they would open their presents on Christmas Day. That was one of our best Christmases.
Re-gift things you don't use or like. Are your shelves bulging with candles, perfumes, lotions, bath powder, or other items that you can't use or don't like? Give them to someone you know will enjoy them. I'm allergic to certain expensive cosmetic brands, which is great for family and friends. I never re-gift to someone who knows the person that gave me the gift.
Not crafty? Buy from friends. Do your friends make beautiful homemade gifts or create delicious foods? Help them out.
Barter things you make. Exchange what you make or something you want to get rid of in exchange for another person's craft or cooking. One year I exchanged the jewelry that I made for a beautiful pot.
Make your own gift-wrap and tags with recycled items. Make gift tags from gift wrap and old Christmas cards. Cut tag from gift wrap and fold in half. Cut tag from Christmas card, and then punch a hole for ribbon. Sometimes wallpaper stores give away their old wallpaper books, which makes great gift wrap. Use the funny papers. Stamp designs on newspapers.
Wrap gifts in creative containers or cloth. I bought fragile Christmas carolers, wrapped them in tissue paper, and placed them in a Christmas-designed hatbox. Wrap a matching scarf around a box containing jewelry. Put a hat and scarf in a wooden box. Wrap a picnic basket in a tablecloth or barbeque grilling tools in an apron. Wrap kitchen gifts in kitchen tea towels.
Look to nature. Do pine cones abound in your neighborhood? Collect and make pine cone ornaments, wreaths, candle holders, or napkin rings. Spray paint pine cones silver or gold and throw them into a basket. Wrap basket handle with ribbon. Trim holly, bayberry, holly, juniper, sage, or pine trees. Make centerpieces, wreaths, swags, and garlands using floral supplies—floral wire, sponges, etc.
Give gift certificates to a restaurant. Each year an associate gives me three burrito coupons at my favorite restaurant. It doesn't cost them a lot, but I LOVE the certificate.
Give books. Purchase books that look new at thrift shops or 'friend of the library' sales. I found John Grisham's delightful book "Skipping Christmas" for 50 cents. It was in perfect condition and a perfect stocking stuffer. Save time, gas and money. Shopamazon.com. After $25, free shipping plops it on your doorstep.
Sign up for Amazon.prime.
Amazon Prime is a membership program providing an "all-you-can-eat" fast shipping for eligible purchases. It costs $79 a year can be set up to automatically renew annually. Benefits include: Free Two-Day Shipping on more than one million in-stock items sold by Amazon.com. Upgrades to One-Day (Overnight) Shipping for just $3.99 per item. Two-Day and One-Day shipping usually apply across business days. Prime also offers special weekend and other shipping options for qualifying merchandise. Free Standard Shipping for eligible items shipped to P.O. boxes in the continental United States (excluding Alaska, Hawaii, and U.S. territories, possessions and protectorates) and APO/FPO addresses with U.S. zip codes.
Be on the alert for white elephant gifts. Sometimes friends throw out items that are perfect for white elephant gifts. If your mother-in-law gives you something beyond horrible, stash it away for party's asking you to bring a white elephant gift to exchange.
Shop garage sales. I still grieve the new cappuccino machine I passed up. I find new items still in the boxes, wedding gifts newlyweds sell, or collectibles at garage sales. Jewelry picked up cheaply can be taken apart and restrung with other beads in new designs for a new bracelet, necklace or earrings.
Shop the dollar stores. Each dollar store seems to have its specialty. Learn where to get what where. Buy pretty bottles. Pour shampoo or body wash into each bottle, plop in a plastic flower. Wrap a bow around the neck. It looks like it came from an expensive store. Fill gift baskets with paper, cookies, hair barrettes, pens, toys, books, you name it.
Make jewelry from gemstones or glass beads. I brought black and white pearls, jade, coral and other expensive beads from Thailand, then designed and made necklaces, bracelets and earrings for family and friends. Several necklaces that I made would sell for $100's of dollars. I only buy beads when they are on sale.
Sew unique presents. I've made plush robes from terry cloth purchased on sale. I enjoy making cloth dolls, especially Raggedy Ann's. One year I gave a three-foot tall rag doll to a friend. You can make pajamas, slippers, toys, tablecloths, and puppets. Use old clothes to make quilts or purses. I've made Christmas napkins by the dozens from scrap cloth found on sale in the end cuts bins at fabric shops. My first year as a single parent, I couldn't afford a winter coat for my son who was in first grade. I had corduroy and coat lining material given to me by my grandmother. I went to an Army-Navy outlet and purchased attractive patches. The military man was horrified because I mixed Army, Navy and Air Force patches. I didn't care. I loved their designs and most important they were color coordinated. After passing the coat down to his brother, the dog chewed up a part of the coat. I still have it.
Take advantage of free shipping. I shop online stores in their sales outlets, and then wait until they email free shipping. If you are on their email list, you know when they have sales or free shipping.
Shop online and get cash back. If you have a few bucks, shop retailers online and get a percentage back for purchased items. You can earn 1% to 20% cash back and redeemed from the FatWallet account. Ebates includes a database of 900 retailers and gives from 1% to 25% cash back. At LiveCashback, you can comparison shop and receive a percentage back for using their services. The internet has opened a completely new world for shopping and receiving cash. Check out Cash Crate, Inbox Dollars, Treasure Troopers, MyPoints, and Shop at Home.
Take advantage of credit card reward points. Some credit cards allow you to exchange reward points for gift cards or gifts they offer.
Use discount coupons. Don't overlook your newspaper coupons in November and December. Check online coupons. CouponCodes.com links to web sites offering coupons. However, one web site that I used took too much time to research to find a coupon or the coupon was out of date. One time my new computer refused to talk to my printer. So I copied and pasted the coupon, code number and graphics from an online coupon into a Word file. I took my computer to the store and pulled up my Word file at the cash register. They took the coupon.
Sign up for email coupons or money-saving newsletters. I signed up for emails from Hobby Lobby, Hancock Fabrics, Sally Beauty, ArtScroll.com, and JC Penney. Every week, month or season, they send discount off or free shipping coupons. During the holidays, holiday savings offers pack my inbox.
Comparison shop. Shop by category at PriceGrabber. It also provides quick links to the most popular products, reviews and ratings, rebates, merchant coupons, shopping green, and the product of the day. Check out NexTag, Shopzilla, Froogle, PriceWatch, and DealTime. The Bargainist.com includes online bargains, sales, coupons, and freebies. There are over 50 online comparison-shopping web sites. Google 'comparison shopping' to find them.
Utilize senior or friends and family store discounts. My best friend was seventy plus and went with me to stores or restaurants offering senior discounts, so I could save money. Some retail stores allow their employees to provide a discount to friends and family. Thrift stores and some retail stores offer discounts to seniors on certain days every week.
Take advantage of company discounts. I worked for a company that allowed employees to buy their products for cost or cost plus a certain percentage. My friends thought I spent $24.99 for children's videos that were available to me for $3.50!
Buy one big gift. The first year I became a single parent, I didn't have money to buy my sons multiple gifts. So I purchased one set of Omagles on sale. It was a building kit with enough pieces for both boys to play with. My sons loved Legos™, so I closely watched for Legos™ sales throughout the year. One year they snooped in my closet and saw their Christmas Legos™. I hid them somewhere else and didn't give them those Legos™ that Christmas. I saved it for their birthdays.
Make a memory keepsake gift. Collect all the favorite family recipes from your recipe box and your mom and grandmother's and put together a family cookbook. If you are a scrap booker, you can make the binder or use a loose-leaf binder, plastic sheet protectors, and tabbed dividers. Use recipe cards or print out recipes on paper bought at a paper outlet. Include family memories with the recipes. Insert photographs. Include blank pages for your children to add their favorite recipes. Or decoupage family photos on a recipe box and include recipe cards. Frame your children's art for their firstborn's nursery.
Collect free samples throughout the year. Stuff the stockings for nothing. Never pass up a free book or potholder. Ask for free hair care and perfume samples. Give free lotion or cosmetic samples to the elderly who can't afford them. Sign up the weekly email newsletter listing free stuff on the web from http://www.thefreesite.com/ listing free stuff on the web.
Cash in rebates. Some gifts or stocking stuffers are reasonably priced after you receive the rebates. Don't miss the rebate deadline or instructions of what you are to send.
Celebrate Christmas after Christmas. When my sons visited their father for Christmas, I celebrated our family Christmas when they returned. I saved money—big time—because I bought their presents at the after Christmas sales.
Search online for coupon codes. Before heading out to shop at the malls, check online for coupons. When shopping online, open a new window and search for coupon codes before checking out. When you find free shipping, and 20 or 30 percent off, shop the retail store online clearance sales or at their outlets.
Ask for gift boxes throughout the year. Every time I buy anything at a retail store, I ask for a gift box. Come Christmas, I'm stocked with all the boxes I need.
Shop at stores that match their competitor's lower prices. Check the ads. Find the lowest price, and then take the ad to the store that will match the competitor's lower price on the same product.
Look for new customer discounts. Some web sites provide free or deep discounts to new customers.
Look for discounts on photo gifts. Grandparents love photo gifts—calendars, mugs, flip books, stationary, photo books, ornaments, key rings, photo skins, coasters, mouse pads, placemats, jewelry, clothing, golf towels, frames, balls, magnets, note pads, keepsake boxes, puzzles, playing cards, luggage tags, photo DVDs, posters and photo books. Upload your photos and send the gifts to recipients. Check out www.snapfish.com, www.kodakgallery.com, www.shutterfly.com, www.vistaprint.com, and www.walgreens.com.
Dumpster dive at colleges. When students go home the middle of December, they dump trees, wreaths and other Christmas decorations into college dumpsters.
Give the gift of time. Take an elderly person or single-parent child shopping for the parent. Babysit so a single parent can Christmas shop.
Give money to a charity. We live in a country that has far more than others around the world. My mother gives money to charities in my name and I receive a thank you card as my Christmas gift.
Make an IOU or redeemable coupon books. They can be for services, favorite meals, babysitting, chores, or anything you can give.
Make use of frequent flier miles. Use miles to purchase magazine subscriptions and gifts.

The best gift we can give is free. It's love. The greatest gift to share? God's love.

Finding Hope in a Thrift Shop

2008-12-11T14:15:00.001-07:00

"Thrift is not an affair of the pocket, but an affair of character."—S.W. Straus

I'm an avid thrift shopper. Many of the valuable items I find remind me of myself after my divorce—discarded and unwanted. No longer desired by the original owner, it's cast aside to find a new usefulness.

My creator values and knows me, my heart, my hopes, and my future. He promises to never leave nor forsake me. But often in despair, I feel that perhaps God has abandoned me.

I found a watercolor encased in an antique frame. Rich in meaning, these words written in calligraphy express my heart's depths better than I can.

To live in the midst of the world without wishing its pleasures;

To be a member of each family yet belonging to none;

To share all sufferings; to penetrate all secrets,

To heal all wounds; to go from men to God and offer Him their prayers;

To return from God to men to bring pardon and hope;

To have a heart of fire for charity, and a heart of bronze for chastity;

To teach and to pardon, console and to bless always;

My God, what a life; and it is yours,

O priest of Jesus Christ.

—Jean-Baptiste-Henri Dominique Lacordaire

Are You Struggling, Feeling Abandoned by God?

He reminds us over and over that he won't leave us. His love pursues us nonstop.

Every day.

Every hour.

Every minute.

This second.

I keep wondering, How many times will he have to remind me that I'm secure in his love before I really believe him? I'm so amazed how the Bible expresses my fears, frustrations and feelings, then reminds me of God's eternal, unbreakable promises—

Genesis 28:15 (NASB): "Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."

Deuteronomy 4:31(NASB): For the LORD your God is a compassionate God; He will not fail you…

Deuteronomy 31:6 (NASB): Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you He will not fail you or forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:8 (NASB): The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.

Joshua 1:5 (NASB): No man will be able to stand before you all the days of your life Just as I have been with Moses, I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you.

1 Samuel 12:22 (NASB): For the LORD will not abandon His people on account of His great name, because the LORD has been pleased to make you a people for Himself.

1 Chronicles 28:20 (NASB): Then David said to his son Solomon, "Be strong and courageous, and act; do not fear nor be dismayed, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you nor forsake you until all the work for the service of the house of the LORD is finished."

Ezra 9:9 (NASB): For we are slaves; yet in our bondage our God has not forsaken us, but has extended lovingkindness to us in the sight of the kings of Persia, to give us reviving to raise up the house of our God, to restore its ruins and to give us a wall in Judah and Jerusalem.

Nehemiah 9:30-31 (NASB): However, You bore with them for many years, And admonished them by Your Spirit through Your prophets, Yet they would not give ear. Therefore You gave them into the hand of the peoples of the lands. Nevertheless, in Your great compassion You did not make an end of them or forsake them, For You are a gracious and compassionate God.

Psalm 9:10 31 (NASB): And those who know Your name will put their trust in You, For You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You.

Psalm 37:28 (NASB): For the LORD loves justice And does not forsake His godly ones; They are preserved forever, But the descendants of the wicked will be cut off.

Psalm 48:14 (NASB): For such is God, Our God forever and ever; He will guide us until death.

Psalm 89:30-33 (NASB): If his sons forsake My law And do not walk in My judgments, If they violate My statutes And do not keep My commandments, Then I will punish their transgression with the rod And their iniquity with stripes. But I will not break off My lovingkindness from him, Nor deal falsely in My faithfulness.

Psalm 94:14 (NASB): For the LORD will not abandon His people, Nor will He forsake His inheritance.

Isaiah 41:17 (NASB): The afflicted and needy are seeking water, but there is none, And their tongue is parched with thirst; I, the LORD, will answer them Myself, As the God of Israel I will not forsake them.

Isaiah 42:16 (NASB): I will lead the blind by a way they do not know, In paths they do not know I will guide them, I will make darkness into light before them And rugged places into plains. These are the things I will do, And I will not leave them undone.

Isaiah 49:13-15 (NASB): Shout for joy, O heavens! And rejoice, O earth! Break forth into joyful shouting, O mountains! For the LORD has comforted His people And will have compassion on His afflicted. But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me, And the Lord has forgotten me." "Can a woman forget her nursing child And have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you."

Matthew 28:19-20 (NASB): Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.

2 Corinthians 4:8-10 (NASB): We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.

Hebrews 13:5 (NASB): Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, "I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU."

One Is the Loneliest Number

2008-12-07T06:23:00.001-07:00

The Three Dog Night song, One, describes what many single parents feel from Thanksgiving through New Years.

"One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do."

Television, cards and advertisements promote this season as a time for flawless family gatherings, flaming fireplaces and fabulous fun.

Right?

Before being propelled into single parenthood, I looked forward to celebrating.

Afterwards?

I couldn't wait for this season to end. Come New Years Day, I feel a profound sense of relief. This time of the year intensifies loneliness, especially when the sentimental contrasts of the Hallmark ideal bombard our hearts. The holidays don't stop for the heartbroken and emotionally wounded.

It's a strange time. Even when family members drive me nuts, I still long to share the holiday with them. Like a lost glove without a mate, I've often wished for "me plus one," a warm relationship with a special someone to melt away my loneliness.

What Triggers Loneliness?

Feeling deserted by one of the three D's—death, deployment or divorce.

Losing a relationship with someone you love.

Longing for family unity and togetherness.

Living far away from loved ones.

Missing your children.

21 Ways to Ease Holiday Loneliness

When I was betrayed, humiliated and abandoned, loneliness suffocated my joy. The social isolation of divorce further fueled my loneliness. Widows often receive more support as they mourn the loss of a partner. No matter how you found yourself alone, we miss those we loved with all our hearts.

In time the loneliness of the holidays lessens, but I'm still not convinced it ever goes away. However, here are some strategies that helped me reduce loneliness.

Confront illusions. Experts caution against buying into the perception that you fail to measure up to a "good" Christmas if it's not an idyllic, joy-filled holiday. Millions experience holiday loneliness—and they're not all crazy. In fact, loneliness affirms your healthy need to connect in meaningful relationships.
No one's family measures up to overblown TV illusions. Holiday-white-Christmas-hype and joyous family reconciliation fuels loneliness. The phantom spirits of family fractures, frictions, issues, and losses raise their ghostly heads. Life and holidays aren't ideal, so stop expecting perfection.
This is reality. The turkey is too dry. A sibling pulls her annual dampen-everyone's-Christmas-spirit-routine. Uncle Bud-Not-Weiser swaggers in drunk—again. You didn't get one present that you wanted.
I run myself ragged, feeling resentful that I have to do everything on my To-Do list alone. I worry, Will my sons need therapy because I didn't finish needle pointing their Christmas stockings personalized with their names? Congratulate yourself when you give up control of what "should" happen.
Embrace truth. Even the best holidays fail to meet every expectation. The holidays are a painful reminder of the dreams that failed to materialize per our aspirations. Our perceptions exaggerate loneliness. Comparing ourselves with others, "They seem so happy and I'm not. I wish I had what they have." I compared myself with those less fortunate and realized, I have the gift of health, wonderful sons, a few loyal friends, and the assurance that God loves me and has promised my children and I a future and a hope. The only thing he asks is for me to embrace truth and trust him.
Contemplate loneliness. What causes your loneliness? Nostalgic memories? Yearnings for a lost loved one? Your kids moved to another part of the country? Don't feel like you belong anywhere? Feeling isolated? Unhappy memories of holidays past?
Holiday cheer does not eliminate legitimate feelings of sadness and loneliness. Allow yourself to reflect on your feelings. It's important to understand that the way you feel does not signify, "Something is wrong with me." It means that you react normally to difficult circumstances. There is no one right way to feel or respond to heartache. God doesn't ask us to imitate others or pretend to be happy. God understands your hurts, cares about you and is near to the brokenhearted.
Express feelings. The cultural expectation that everyone "should be merry" didn't banish the reasons I felt lonely. I did not want to dampen the joy or excitement others feel, so I stuffed the depth of my loneliness into my heart. Sometimes, it was so dark, I couldn't write those thoughts in my journal. Too embarrassing. So I withdrew in silence—depression swirled through my mind, leaving me feeling even more alone.
Some people try to disconnect from their feelings by drinking, excessive spending, working long hours, or engaging in other forms of anesthesia. I gave others the same thing I desired—space and the freedom to feel and express those feelings. I encouraged my children to express their disappointment and comforted them by acknowledging that their pain was legitimate.
I was honest with myself and allowed room for my feelings. Finally, I found other supportive individuals who understood. Often they pointed out the silver lining on my cloud that I'd painted black. For me, I look forward to New Years Day which lightens my feelings of abandonment.
Acknowledge change. For a long time, I didn't want to accept that my life drastically changed. I didn't want the change. I didn't like the change. I wanted my former life back. Finally, I accepted, My life has changed, now what?
Establish priorities. Over booking, working or committing myself into a state of exhaustion didn't automatically relieve loneliness. I based my plans around what's important to me—not the expectations of others.
Redeem time. I made my time alonecount and made it special. When the boys were gone, I bought blackberry wine and a steak and enjoyed a quiet dinner in front of TV. I treated myself to hot baths, chocolate, a full night's sleep, and quiet, uninterrupted trips to the bookstore.
Limit aloneness. I confess, I wanted to stay home and wallow in loneliness. My friends didn't let me sink into self-pity. They insisted I join them for dinner. I preferred to stay home and feel like a martyr, because I was rejected. But I soon realized that withdrawing created a no-win situation. I had to take initiative to step from the dark shadows into the light. Avoid hiding at home or cuddling up to alcohol. Accept the love and kindness of others who understand your circumstances.
I had to ask, How much time alone time is good for me? Bad for me? At a certain point, I slipped into self-pity and depression, which seems to be a constant solo parent battle. I had to be honest with myself and make plans that felt right for me. I didn't want loneliness to dominate me.
Sometimes when I spent a holiday with a family, at the time it made me ache for my family to be reunited. As I look back on those times, I don't feel anguish, but recall the nostalgia of being included and accepted and loved for where I was in life.
Obtain support. Feeling isolated motivates me to retreat and hide, but I need to reach out for support. I looked for those who experienced or understand my situation. Sometimes it's family members, friends, mentors, or others. Other times it was religious institutions, single parent groups or social services offering support and friendship.
Seek help. When intense loneliness slips into depression or suicidal thoughts, please reach out to someone by phone, whether it be a friend, relative, or professional, just call someone. There were times that the only threads connecting me to life and hope were my sons. Don't let temporary moods devastate today and ruin your future and your children's.
Look Outward. I've spent my fair share of time focusing inward on my personal tragedy. To take my mind off myself, I volunteered at an organization that provides toys for individuals who can't afford them. One well-dressed woman walked in and instantly, I recognized that dazed look, emotional pain and humiliation of a proud mother who didn't have money to buy her sons toys. In the midst of my personal pain, it brought me great joy to tenderly guide and help this fragile woman.
Help others. Unbelievably, there are others who are far lonelier and in worse circumstances than solo parents. The greatest gift to give this holiday season is time. Spend it with others who have no one. Those hit hardest at this time of year include the underprivileged, hospitalized children, the homeless, the disabled, shut-ins, prisoners, prisoner's children, HIV/AIDS patients, or lonely senior citizens. Opportunities abound: give a used coat to a local homeless shelter, spend Christmas Eve or Day answering help lines, serve a meal at the soup kitchen, deliver presents to nursing homes, hospitals and prisons.
Volunteering accomplishes several things: It touches someone else's life who is less fortunate. It gives the gift of true giving to those who've lost so much, surrounds you with others who share your spirit of giving, lifts your spirit, and helps you recognize the gifts and blessings in your life. And it's good for your soul to help the least of these.
Organize get-togethers. Why go it alone, when you can include others? I felt lonely and sad without a husband to manhandle the Christmas tree into the stand. One year a family came to our home and helped us decorate our tree. Another year one single mother had no money or family. I invited her and her son for dinner and supplied the gifts on her son's Santa wish list.
Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, and New Years provide new opportunities to make the day an adventure to get to know others. Start a new tradition to include others who go it alone. Have a potluck and ask them to bring a white elephant gift. Plan the day and fill it with what you enjoy sharing.
Broaden friendships. Get creative and include friends and acquaintances. Even though my heart felt that the holidays were for family, I realized that others were like me—without family near. I've invited a group to my home to trim my tree, play games, watch a movie, or eat a special dinner. Host a cookie exchange party or a white elephant gift party. Others I know planned a weekend trip. Singles organizations often offer special holiday activities. If everyone in your sphere of influence is with family, volunteer to help others without family or friends. You can make new friends while comforting others and having fun too.
Initiate one-on-ones. Get in touch with otherson their own. Do dinner and a movie. Get together before the holiday to exchange gifts.
Rethink tradition. Reevaluate the real meaning of traditions. They aren't set in cement. The first Christmas the boys and I spent alone, I begged several men to show up dressed as Santa Claus, because that's something their father did. No one agreed to come, which made me feel even lonelier. Instead, I videoed the boys telling the Christmas story and wrestling with each other, which we enjoy today.
I replaced perfection, running around and spending money with what I could afford with my limited finances and time constraints. Hanukkah and Christmas both celebrate God's miracle gifts to those he treasures.
I continued my tradition of giving each of my sons a Christmas ornament each year, but scaled back on how much I spent on their toys. If you change or start new traditions, let your children participate. Don't forget to explain the meaning of your tradition.
One Christmas the boys and I took another single parent's Christmas wish list. My sons chose the clothes and toys for the children. They loved carrying in gifts and placing them under their barren tree. Kyle was so excited he insisted they open their gifts immediately so he could watch. I explained that they would open their gifts on Christmas Day. I placed the turkey and all the trimmings on their empty table. My sons and I left with a greater understanding of the true meaning of Christmas.
Attend events. Enjoy free activities, concerts, work-related parties, driving around to look holiday decorations, or building a snowman with your children. Is there an event you've always wanted to attend, but haven't? Make a list, then choose one you can afford. I took my sons to a well-known puppet Christmas show. The boys and I strolled through a block of homes that decorated their homes with lights. We marveled at all the sparkling lights and creativity. I've always wanted to attend The Nutcracker ballet, but haven't yet. This year I'm going to "Scrooge: The Carol with an Attitude." When I lived in California, my new Christmas tradition was attending the free Christmas concert at Jack Hayford's Church on the Way.
Do socialize. If invited, go to parties. My loneliness in a crowd often made me feel awkward. I felt removed from others who seemed so happy. Sometimes, I felt overwhelmed, and found a quiet room to cry or emotionally regroup. Even when I wasn't in a party mood, attending a social gathering kept me from sliding deeper into the abyss. It also prevented me from staying home curled up in a fetal position.
Forgive others. Wish the Deck-the-Hallers well who are uncomfortable with our long Silent Night. In the beginning, I admit I felt angry when jolly revelers insisted I count my blessings. What goes around comes around and theirs' just hasn't come around—yet. Pain has not shattered their seasonal affective conditioning disorder—a perfect holiday season where all suffering is relieved. I bandaged my wounds, but I didn't wrap them in paper, bows and jingle bells to make others more comfortable. In time, I found myself comforting others when life shattered their lives.
Contact family. If distance separates you from family and friends, figure out a time of day to call family and friends. Plan your calls, so you don't go broke. And make sure the calls are a nice diversion for the day, not the focal point of your day. Rather than spotlighting the fact that you're not together, enjoy the connection.
Ignite faith. What obscures the meaning behind your religious Holy Days? Too busy? Too many unrealistic fantasies? Some say that people of faith manage holidays better than others. What is your perspective of the Holy Days?
When I was first propelled into solo parenting, I could not sing familiar hymns or songs without sobbing. They caused too much pain. The lyrics and tunes brought back wonderful memories of producing annual Christmas musicals with my music minister husband.
My life changes were unbearable. Over time, the strength of the unchanging story of those hymns infused hope and healing into my broken spirit. Hearing Bible stories of my faith, singing traditional hymns and participating in religious customs validated that not all was lost. Spirituality doesn't chase away every speck of loneliness, but ageless truths comforted me.
The Holy Days remind us of God's miraculous love for us. He knows the purpose for my life and the circumstances that changed my life. There are times when I've told God, "You're not enough. I need someone with skin on." As I look back over all the Christmas's I felt so alone, I realize I wasn't. It just felt that way.
My faith assures me that God will never leave me nor forsake me. He sent his greatest gift to me to accept and open—salvation through His son and hope through His Word.

A Time to Laugh: Get Rid of the Humpty Dumpty Blues

2008-11-20T01:01:00.000-07:00

"Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No-o-o-o!"—Humpty's Mother

Dump the Humpty Dumpty Dilemma

Divorce shattered my home into a gazillion pieces. I scrambled to put my fragile shell back together again. Humor helped. Knock pain off the wall with laughter that heals. This picture cracked me up.

A Time to Laugh: You Always Hertz the One You Love

2008-11-14T13:27:00.001-07:00

"There is a time to weep and a time to laugh." Ecclesiastes 3:4 NAS

Solo parenting heaped stress and mourning upon my soul. Seeing the absurd humor in the ridiculousness of life relieves my stress. Trust me, laughter is the best medicine. Seriously! Big Larry overheard this in New York City on the Grand Concourse at 158 Street. Enjoy!

Thug on cell: Yo, hearse rent a car? Yo man, I need to rent a hearse. Yeah, I'll hold. (pause) Y'all don't rent no hearses? Why y'all call yoselfs hearse rent a car? (pause) Word? Well, I need to move a body, maybe you got a van or something? (pause) I don't care, I just need to move his dead a--. (pause) Cargo van? Whatever. Yeah.

Thug's friend: Ask if they got am'blances.

12 Warning Signs of Holiday Depression

2008-11-13T15:27:00.001-07:00

"It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness."—Eleanor Roosevelt

Do the holidays make you…

A-P-A-R-T?

I never planned to be a solo parent—or depressed. Numerous studies reveal that single parents, especially moms, are at greater risk for depression any time of the year.

Our daily "Must-Dos" are longer than Santa's gift list. The holidays heighten our multiple life stressors and decreased social support. This time of year also reminds us of all our losses—marriage, family, income, lifestyle, and home. Situational depression—feeling sad or unhappy—around the holidays is normal.

Warning Signs of Depression

If you experience several of these symptoms and they will not go away, you're suffering from clinical depression.

Crying for no apparent reason.
Becoming enraged at small things.
Feeling ugly or really bad about yourself.
Feeling overwhelmed, depressed, restless, or irritable.
Inability to control negative thoughts, even when you try.
Constant fatigue or loss of energy. Small tasks exhaust you.
Inability to sleep, sleeping too much or oversleeping every morning.
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions or remembering things.
Frequent thoughts that life isn't worth living or you're planning how to end it.
Frequent feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, helplessness, or inappropriate guilt.
Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
Loss of interest or pleasure in normal daily activities, work, hobbies, spending time with friends, or social activities.

If the holiday blues pitch you into a black hole, pay special attention to yourself. Don't bury your head and fill in the pit with more dirt. Depression is hard to dig out of alone. Ask for help and support.

Pardoning the Thanksgiving Turkey

2008-11-12T05:35:00.001-07:00

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."—Psalms 34:18 NAS

Will I Be Thankful This Thanksgiving Day?

Every fall after my divorce a silent shadow tiptoed up, cloaking me in darkness. For a number of years, I failed to recognize its stealthy intrusion.

Holiday depression.

As Thanksgiving and Christmas raced towards me, I felt anxious. Happy memories of "the way we were" haunted me. I grieved dreams that collided with reality. Even looking at my china made me sad, as I recalled happier family times gathered to enjoy the holiday feast I lovingly prepared. The empty chair at our table was excruciating.

When hard-pressed, I dutifully and grudgingly expressed "what I'm thankful for." But my mind raced, spitting out a litany of things I wasn't thankful for that year. It seemed as if everyone's lives went merrily along, leaving the remnants of my family behind. I was too angry to embrace gratitude. I wished things were different. I wanted more than anything for the pain and sadness dominating my emotions to go away.

I felt like the condemned Thanksgiving turkey celebrating this holiday against its will. As a victim of foul play, I was less than delighted that I was not spared the agony divorce served up on my family's holiday platter.

How Did I Turn the Corner, Throwing Off Darkness to Embrace Healing?

I leaned into the grief and embraced each recovery stage: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally—acceptance.

As I cycled and sometimes recycled through a phase towards personal wholeness, I accepted invitations from co-workers who allowed me to just sit and eat—grief stricken—among more joyous revelers. I found myself laughing at their jokes, even as my heart wept.

What Is The True Measure of Our Thanksgiving?

How we live our lives and treat others every day of the year.

I realized that being thankful was not what I said about my blessings, but how I used them. I acknowledged those who were less fortunate by volunteering to serve them a Thanksgiving meal. I offered compassion to other single parents newer on grief's path as we put our arms around each other in search of freedom from pain.

When my sons visited their dad, I appreciated small mercies like a welcome day off. Sleeping in. A long soak in a hot bath—uninterrupted. Staying home alone. Not celebrating with turkey and all the trimmings or enduring football.

At some point, I realized I felt relieved that I no longer had to awake early every Thanksgiving morning to stuff the bird, spend nearly six hours in the kitchen cooking, devouring the feast in thirty minutes or less, and then cleaning and putting leftovers away for at least another hour.

The Annual "Stuff the Freezer with Cheap Turkey" Day

I appreciate the annual "stuff the freezer with cheap turkey" chase. Once I gave the boys $6. All three of us stood in the checkout lane to buy our one-per-customer $5 turkey. I laughed as my six and nine-year-old paid for their personal seventeen-pound birds. Kyle's turkey was bigger than his chest. Whether I spent Thanksgiving alone or with my sons, I managed to stuff at least one $5 turkey into my small freezer for Christmas day.

I knew I had healed when I invited friends to my home for Thanksgiving. I repainted my table and chairs, reupholstered the seats, and drove to three grocery stories to gather fresh herbs to brine my $5 turkey.

Today, I feel like the pardoned Thanksgiving turkey, set free from pain. Unlike the turkeys who receive the official Presidential pardon, I will not be strutting my stuff at Disneyworld.

However, I'm relieved that anguish no longer consumes all feelings of joy and thankfulness. Even so, sometimes parenting alone drags my emotions back into the oven, making me think, I can't take the heat.

Apart from some anxious gobbling, these days I choose to be an ungobbled gobbler. I observe Thanksgiving Day every day—by anticipating God's new mercies, strength for today and hope for tomorrow.